Bridging the Divide: Connecting with Military Families

10 years ago I sat alone on my couch with a horrid sense of dread, staring at the blasts of “Shock and Awe” as the United States led the invasion into Iraq.  I had not spoken with my husband in almost two months.  His letters, written hastily on recycled rations boxes, were worn from my constant touch.  Knowing he was moving from Kuwait into Iraq made my mind reel.  I had no idea what war would mean, but I did know my life as a Marine spouse would shift radically.

A decade later, I sit wiser, if perhaps slightly more jaded, on that same worn couch (moved through 8 houses since).

I now know what it means to have a loved one fight in a war (two, in fact).  I’ve watched countless men, and some women, gear-in-hand step onto gleaming white buses to start the journey to foreign lands, their eyes wide or weary depending on experience.  I’ve held the hands of wives and mothers, brothers and children who were so afraid they couldn’t speak the words for fear the worst would come true.  I’ve seen babies born to fathers they would never know.  I’ve seen marriages crumble, kids lash out at returning parents, and mothers fall to their knees over caskets draped in the American flag.

Lost lives, lost limbs, lost love.

Sometimes the pain of the people around me is almost more than I can bear.

But I have also seen beauty as Marines reunite with their families, young men and women strive to bring the hope of America to small children overseas, and families draw together to support one another.  The sheer depth of character, resilience and faithfulness to the cause and to one another is breathtaking.

I am no longer shocked; now I firmly stand in Awe.

Unfortunately, what I see today is a great divide.  Those Americans who have suffered most from the effects of our country’s involvement in two wars are separated in numerous ways from the majority of her citizens.  Despite Oprah’s attempt to support the military by gifting high-end Favorite Things to select spouses on her holiday show, or Michele Obama bringing visibility to the need for post-military jobs through  Joining Forces, many Americans don’t quite know what to do with military families.  We are an enigma.  We make them feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Maybe we hit on “there but for the grace of God go I.”  Or maybe they simply aren’t sure what one person can do.

So I have a few suggestions:

1. Remember, it’s not over. There are still 68,000 troops in harm’s way.  I am often flabbergasted that mainstream media chooses to cover Justin Beiber’s lack of a shirt in public while virtually ignoring the military men and women who are still fighting daily.  And now, many are doing so while worrying about how sequestration and other political problems are affecting their families back home.  Not an easy burden to bear when you think your country has forgotten about you.  So try to stay educated and engaged.  A cursory glance at the official Department of Defense website will give you a broad brushstroke without much political hype. http://www.defense.gov/

2. Actively seek military families. I guarantee we are out there.  We are your neighbor, the gentleman who opened the door at the grocery, the mom with the haggard face at the airport trying to wrangle two crying kids.  If you suspect but you aren’t sure, ask.  I do this a lot, and when I’ve been wrong, I’ve never had anyone become offended.   Then once you know…

3. Acknowledge the sacrifices we’ve made. Please do not say “I could never do what you do.”  That simply is not true.  If you had to, you would.  And you have.  You have made sacrifices for someone you loved.  You have believed in a cause.  You have seen people you cared for die.  Military families do all this within a broader scope, but you understand the fundamental principles behind it.  And we appreciate it when you take the time to tell us whole-heartedly and authentically that you understand our service and sacrifice.   My husband stands there flustered and a bit abashed because he’s not one for praise.  But in his heart he is glad that someone noticed that the military is comprised of individuals.  And I am always appreciative when someone recognizes my efforts as well.

I’m even more appreciative when someone treats us as normal.  I cherish the non- military friends who have hung in there through moves and deployments.  They have helped my husband reintegrate at the neighborhood barbecue when he was still on high alert, having patience when his language was still a little rough and understanding why we weren’t interested at the moment in fireworks.  Dear Ones made sure I had mom’s-night-out while my husband was gone or invited me to dinner with the usual couples even though I was by myself.  Daddies played with my kids at school for Father’s Day while their own was away.  These lovely souls have loved and supported us in all aspects of our lives both military and non.

Today, my husband is home attending a military school, our two kids are thriving, and I run a successful business.  But the ghosts of all that has happened in the past decade reside with us.  And we’ve been fortunate not to suffer from severe post traumatic stress, traumatic brain injury, or a dozen other things that would make life so much more challenging. But military life is hard.  Even when my husband is not deployed he is often away training, or we are in the process of a move, or we are struggling to help our young children deal with the complexities of constant change and uncertainty.  A little kindness and understanding from you, today, in the place we currently call home…that just might make all the difference.