A Celebration 10 Years in the Making

Ten years ago today I was sitting in a limousine in a sparkling white dress eating red Twizzlers, legs bouncing nervously.  I was not wondering if the man I was about to marry was the right one for me.  That was a given.  But I was completely freaked out at the idea of being someone’s wife.  I simply feared that I was too selfish to share my life with another soul.  Heck, I hadn’t even had a roommate except for the first year of college and that had been a bit of a disaster.  So the idea of sharing not just my space, but my entire existence with another for the rest of my life was petrifying.

Had I known what was to come next, I’m fairly certain at a minimum I would have eaten the entire bag of Twizzlers.

That was September 8, 2001.  Three days later as we woke up on the last day of our honeymoon, the first tower had been hit and within minutes the second would be as well.  It felt like the world was ending.  My fears about marriage had faded the minute I walked down the aisle and looked into my husband’s eyes.  All would be well.  All was at peace.  Life flowed around me and I was one with all that was good.  But now here I was watching everything else crumble to the ground.

From that moment forth, change after change cascaded over my small family of two.

We lived in a world of uncertainty.  For me the role of spouse shifted completely.  I was no longer just a new bride trying to figure out how to share my space and irritated that my new husband left his work boots in the middle of the bedroom.  I had real concerns about where those boots were going to be in the coming months.  And the role of military spouse went from something I was a bit unsure about, to something I better figure out since I had dozens of wives looking to me for guidance.  I had no time to worry about being selfish.  My life suddenly felt like it belonged to someone else and was completely out of my control.

The first year of marriage he deployed and we spent our first anniversary apart.  The second year, war broke out in Iraq and we spent almost five months without my knowing where he was and with no real contact.  The third year we were suddenly living under the same roof while he attended school.  Both of us suffered from the affects of trauma and stress.  Our marriage was still in the stages of infancy as we’d yet to spend 365 days collectively together.  But we survived and we remembered why we loved one another.  We grew individually and as a couple.  The fourth year brought our first beautiful daughter.  The fifth began a year in India.  In year six we bought our first house together.  Year seven was a second daughter and a third deployment.  Year after year, wave after wave of changes and adjustments and trying to keep my head above water.

Life felt like it was being done to me.  I was just sort of along for the ride.

But I was wrong.  It took me a while to realize it, but I was making choices every single day that reflected my individual purpose in this life.  I was becoming exactly who I wanted to be.  I was gathering experiences, gaining knowledge, and living life on terms I was setting.  The context around me was not in my control, but my experience of it…that was all mine.

When I look back on the 32 year old girl in the limo with friends and family gathered around, I am so excited for her.  She has no idea what is around the corner, but she is going to share it with the most amazing husband.  She is going to find strength she does not know that she has.  She is going to see places she has never even dreamed of.  She is going to learn so much about her own abilities and what she has to offer to the world.  She is going to experience life in a way that is completely different than it has been up to this point.  And she is ready for it.  She is up to the challenge.  She has all the right stuff.  And I send her so much love for the courage she possesses, the love she always shares, and the joy she finds in even the hardest circumstances.

I whisper to her “You’ve chosen the right man.  You have chosen the right life.   All is perfectly perfect.  Walk down that aisle and embrace this day.”   And, the thing is, I know she will.

Because she did!  And I am so proud of her.

Now I am off to kiss that amazing man.  His stuff is packed for another deployment.  It stands in the corner a reminder that once again we only have days together.  But I wouldn’t trade any of the last 10 years.  And I have a feeling that my 52 year old self is sending me love and saying “You can do it.  You’ve chosen the right man. You’ve chosen the right life.  All is perfectly perfect….”

And I am one with all that is good.