45 Years on this Earth

Today is my 45^th birthday.  Feels rather like I am squarely in the middle of my one wild and precious life, as Mary Oliver would say.  I have clear visuals of both ends of the spectrum. Last month my grandfather turned 90, and this week I cuddled the sweetest smelling 3-month-old little girl you can imagine.

And here I am smack dab in the center.

Seems as good a time as any to evaluate, assess, redirect, envision.  I find myself neither looking back on life with regret, nor feeling concern for the future.  I am perfectly at peace with my present.  I like that….a lot.  And I attribute this state to the fact that I completely embrace my power of free will and choice.

My family would attest that I have always insisted on doing things my own way.  It’s a distinct stubbornness passed along the female lineage.  But for me, free will is more than wanting my own way.  It’s about tapping into that innate creativity that each of us has…the part that allows you to take all that is (guidance, old ways, new ideas, inspiration, information) and make it your own.  I’ve never been willing to just accept someone’s word for anything.  I have to feel it, try it out, experience it my own way. Understand all the “whys”, decide how it should shift, determine whether I agree. Mold whatever it is to suit me, or reject it completely.

That is free will.

But at this point in my life, it’s magical that I clearly see that free will and choice extends both to what happens to me as I move forward as well as how I choose to see my past.  I literally get to choose the story of my first 45 years on this planet.  I can choose to focus on people who hurt my feelings, pain of events gone awry, jobs that ended abruptly, tragedies, and disappointments and lack and fear.  Or, I can remember those who befriended me when I needed it most, the opportunities that sprang up from the dust of moments that initially felt like failure, jobs that developed skills I’m proud of, joys and abundance and the amazing amount of love I have around me.

I get to choose.

That does not mean that I’ve taken all the bad moments and stuffed them down.  That would only serve to make me sick and very tired and not in the slightest bit fulfilled.  Instead I’ve felt all the emotions associated with the past and I’ve learned from them.  They help me choose differently next time.  But I don’t dwell.  And I clearly see that each step helped me learn and grow.

So I sit here at 45 amazed at my past, the adventures I’ve had, all the opportunities that have come my way.  And I look around in the moment at the people I hold dear, the life I’ve created, the wonder the world offers me.  Then I look toward my future and I am certain that I get to continue exerting my free will and choosing in each moment that which suits me most.  And part of that is getting to teach others to do the same.  Yes, this is a good life.  I am blessed.

That’s my story…and you can be assured I’m sticking to it.