It’s Not Kind to Be Nice

I’m not teaching my daughters to be nice.  Nope!  In fact, they are not allowed to use the word “nice” at our house.  When one accidentally says it, she throws her hand over her mouth as if she’s said the “s” word (which she thinks is “shut-up,” but I digress).  Immediately the offending daughter will replace “nice” with “kind”.

Nice and Kind are not interchangeable in my mind.

To me, NICE is a code word for “suppress your own needs and do what is best for the other person/people around you”.  And frankly, I am not okay with teaching that behavior to my children.  I want my girls to factor themselves into each and every equation…look at the system as a whole rather than simply doing the thing that in the moment will make the other person happy.  I’m all for teaching my kids to be good citizens of the world.  And believe me, I want them to care for others, the environment and society as a whole.  If my kids become selfish brats, I’ll be totally disappointed beyond belief.

But I’ll be more horrified it they become NICE.

Maybe your childhood was like mine:  as a kid, if you started to voice a complaint about another child, you were often told to “be NICE to your friend”. The interpretation was “stop making waves” or “letting the other person have their way is the polite thing to do”.  If you stood up for yourself and said “but that is my toy and I really don’t want to share right now!” you were told that you weren’t being very NICE.  No wonder so many of us as adults have more than a little difficulty setting boundaries.

We are too busy being NICE to one another.

Women especially spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what others want and how to be NICE to them.  We invest way more time in that endeavor than we do in taking personal responsibility for figuring out our own desires.  We often leave ourselves out of the equation completely.   And here is where KINDNESS comes in.

KINDNESS holds within it, not only respect for others, but respect for ONESELF.

And respect for the wholeness of all involved.  The ramifications of that are far more wide-reaching than those of NICE.  My favorite example is a personal one.  My 9-year old asks at 7:30 p.m. on a Friday, if she can stay up and watch a movie with us.

NICE says “Sure.  It’s Friday and you are a good kid!  You have worked hard at school all week, and I know you really want to see this movie.”

KIND takes a deep breath, thinks for a moment, and looks at all the factors. “You haven’t had much sleep this week.  You and your sister have a birthday party to attend tomorrow afternoon.  Daddy and I get alone time starting at 8:00 and haven’t seen each other much this week, because he’s worked late. Your sister wants to see this movie too, and she will probably fall asleep before it finishes.  And there is another movie I really want to watch that isn’t suitable for you to see, and I want to get to bed by 10:30.  It is not a good idea for tonight, Honey, let’s look at other times instead.”

KIND does not always say “no”.

But KIND looks at things from a systems perspective with a longer-term view before saying “yes”.

And we all simply have to start teaching this to our kids…and living it ourselves.  It takes more effort but it is so worth it in the end!

A KIND child shares the toy with a friend, but gets a turn himself…or finds a way for both to play at the same time.   A KIND child learns to speak up for herself, to ask for what she wants, to negotiate with those around her as needed, to work out arguments by saying “when you behaved that way, I felt like this…so I would prefer that you do this instead”.  A KIND child learns to recognize when something does not seem equitable: whether it is not fair for them or not fair for someone else.  A KIND child asks questions, finds different solutions to problems, and is absolutely a beautiful sight to behold…because she knows herself, she respects herself, and that makes her more willing to treat others with respect as well.  Not with deference.  Not in a way that keeps from ruffling feathers.  Not in a mambsy pambsy NICE way.

And KIND children become KIND adults.

KIND adults take the time to find out what they really want before jumping forward to make the way better for others.  They are the adults that remember to put the oxygen mask on themselves before putting it on someone else.  They are the adults that commit not out of a sense of obligation, but because they want to.  They have less resentment, more connection to the world, and fewer bouts of rage for no apparent reason.  They know how to create boundaries when it comes to family and friends, and they rarely feel like door mats.

KIND people factor themselves into the equation.  They are KIND first to themselves.  And, think about it, when you take care of your own needs…be they physical, emotional, spiritual…you are keeping others from trying to do so for you.  You are freeing them up to be KIND to themselves.  You are saving them from being NICE.

I’m starting a movement.  A KINDNESS movement.  Out with NICE, in with KIND.  Join me, won’t you.

I do believe it is the KINDEST step you could take for yourself.