We float down the river, his inner tube tied to our younger daughter, our older bravely floating alone far ahead. In conversation he mentions he has never done this before. He reminds me that once, so long ago, on our first outing as a couple we were supposed to go tubing. But the previous day’s massive rain and the dangers there-in had turned a planned leisurely day on the river into a hike up Humpback Rock. And ironically that arduous event was precisely when I fell deeply in love and knew I’d found the man I wanted to marry.
I flashed back to that day almost exactly 15 years earlier. I wasn’t in horrid shape, but the combination of drinking, a late night and allergies took its toll. Out of the four couples in our group, I was certain I was fit enough not to trail at the very end. I overestimated my ability by a long shot. Seth, however, in perfect Marine shape could have carried me to the top and back again without the slightest bit of effort.
Beside him, I was slow and weary, ready to be ashamed.
But he gently guided me, and supported me, and totally allowed me to do it my own way. He took off one of two shirts and wiped the sweat off my face, with no judgment whatsoever. He encouraged me every step of the way with words and smiles and laughter, but never swooped in to do it for me. There was not one moment of irritation, impatience or anger. And once we finally got to the top, he seemed to revel in my accomplishment. We shared in the magnificent view, a quiet moment of stillpoint, holding hands in silence.
As we took the trail back down, I realized that this was what I had always wanted in a partner. A man, deeply comfortable with himself, who knew his own strength so well that he had no need to demonstrate it to others. Someone who would support me completely in being my own quirky, stubborn self, yet never lose himself in the process. A person of kindness and humor and deep compassion. By the time we drove home I was head over heels in love with the essence of my beloved. I knew in my heart that, even if things did not work out between the two of us, I was a better person for having experienced him.
Oh how funny life can be, I floated along thinking. The river carries us downstream, and we are far smarter to work with the currents than against them, trusting that they take us where we are meant to go. So many years I’d been sad over one boy or another not returning affection. Lamenting in my 20’s that I hadn’t found the right man, assuming I actually knew what “right” looked like. And yet here I am in my 40’s with my perfect spouse in a package I honestly would have never imagined.
I’ve always felt that Seth and I have an undercurrent, a river deep below the surface that supports us fully as a couple. A river of love and trust and promise.
How lovely that our river took us to the mountain that day! Had we floated instead, would the inner workings of this dear human have been as evident? Would I have had the fodder to commit to our long-distance relationship so quickly? Could I have so clearly recognized my deep yearning for this complimentary Spirit who fits me so perfectly in every way? But we did, and I did. And we have weathered oh so much more since that first adventure.
As I watch my Dearest laughing with my daughter, on a sunny day under the vast Montana skies, I am reminded again that all is always as it should be. The ripples are always perfectly perfect. I have great reason to trust…and to love.
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